A Father’s Concern for the Future for an Autistic Son
Marina Sarris
Date Published: July 15, 2025
Benjamin Murray thought about what the doctor said when he diagnosed his son with autism. The doctor predicted that 3-year-old Alex would never speak, learn to use the toilet, or look people in the eye.
This was 1998, when parents and even many doctors were not as familiar with autism as they are today.
Ben Murray sat at his computer with the dial-up modem and typed “autism” into his browser. What was this condition called autism, and how could he help his son?
“I started reading and printing out reams of information on our dot matrix printer. Over time, I started to realize how big this topic is,” Murray says. Some of what he read seemed to reinforce the doctor’s pessimism. But Murray would strive for optimism.
More than 25 years later, Ben Murray is still seeking information and ways to help Alex, who is now 30. In 2024, that quest brought father and son to SPARK, the largest study of autism. They joined the study and provided saliva samples for DNA analysis. Ben hopes that researchers can provide more answers about a condition that now affects 1 in 31 children.
Ben wants to know, for example: “Is there a way that I can help Alex now, therapeutically or behaviorally? What can I do to help him live his best life?”
A Search for Autism Programs
Alex is the youngest of two sons of Ben and his first wife. Alex’s mother was the first to notice that the toddler was not meeting his developmental milestones on time. “I was the father in denial,” Ben admits.
After the shock of the diagnosis, and the doctor’s prognosis, the family began looking for programs to help Alex.
Alex received early intervention and other therapies through the Regional Center of the California Department of Developmental Services. He also had an individualized education plan (IEP) when he started school.
After a divorce, Ben had primary custody of his sons. When Alex was in elementary school, Ben enrolled him in a program for children with disabilities at the Bay Area Christian Church in Northern California. Through the Spiritual Resources Ministry, Ben got to know another single parent, Julia, who also has a son with a disability, Tommie.
The two married and, with Julia’s two children, formed a blended family of six. Alex and Tommie, who are the same age, participate in church events and Special Olympics of Northern California together. Alex enjoys track (although not the loud starting gun), while Tommie plays basketball and coaches soccer.
Proving the Doctor’s Prognosis Wrong
Although Alex has significant challenges, he has defied the predictions of the doctor who diagnosed him. He learned to use the toilet as a toddler, and he readily makes eye contact.
As for the doctor’s prediction about speech? Alex understands what people say to him, and he speaks using single words or short sentences, Ben says.
Alex also uses an iPad-based speech app to communicate, typing short sentences that the device says aloud. Sometimes Alex gets frustrated with the device and ends up speaking the words he wanted the device to say, Ben says.
Alex, who lives at home, has many other strengths. He enjoys being active and does not tire of washing dishes and doing laundry.
Alex has skills that would make him a good employee, his father says. But he has not been able to find a job, a problem shared by other adults across the autism spectrum. The social aspects of employment – the need to talk with others in a job interview, for example – can be challenging, but with the right support, Alex could excel, his father says.
Alex’s other interests include building Lego models, completing 300-piece puzzles, and clothes. He pays attention to what he wears, and he reads clothing labels to learn the fabric’s composition. “In another life, he might have been a fashion designer,” Ben says.
Alex likes to wear shorts year-round, even during chilly winters in Northern California. But that fashion choice is not unique. “I have some friends who do the same thing,” Ben says.
Educating the Community About Autism, to Keep Alex Safe
One item of clothing that Alex is not allowed to wear is a hoodie. Ben is concerned that hooded jackets could make him look suspicious to others.
Ben is keenly aware of the safety risks that autistic people, particularly Black men like Alex, face in public. Could his son’s autistic traits be mistaken by security guards and police as suspicious behavior? What would happen if Alex could not respond to an officer’s questions or commands?
Once, when Alex was in his early 20s, he wandered away from high school, an common trait among autistic youth called elopement. Police officers mistook his lack of spoken response and autistic traits for mental illness. They handcuffed him and took him to a psychiatric hospital. Fortunately, a hospital worker quickly realized that Alex is autistic and did not belong there, Ben recalls.
About 20 percent of youth with autism were stopped by police by age 21, and 5 percent were arrested, according to one study.1 Young Black people with disabilities, including autism, were more likely to be arrested than others, another study found.2
“There are too many examples of interactions going bad, and not just with autistic men of color,” Ben says.
Once a security guard at a supermarket tried to physically lead Alex away from the self-checkout line. Ben intervened, and Alex was fine. His father wonders if Alex was standing too close to another customer. Like some other autistic people, Alex struggles with the social concept of personal space. He does not intuitively know how far away he should stand from a stranger.
To help prevent misunderstandings, Ben has Alex introduce himself to security guards and employees in stores and tell them he has autism. “I’m trying to get him used to interacting with an official in uniform and also help educate security personal about people with special needs,” Ben says. Alex wears a medical alert bracelet with “AUTISM” and his father’s phone number printed on it.
“He’s always dressed neatly, and he’s well-groomed, so that first impression is a positive one,” Ben says.
Ben hopes that store employees and police will become more familiar with autism, and Alex, as Alex spends time in the community.
A Worry for the Future
As he gets older, Ben worries about his son’s future.
“I’m in my 70s, and I have a 30-year-old son,” Ben says. “What’s going to happen to him when I can’t take care of him anymore? That’s a scary thing for my wife and me.”
Will the programs that Alex relies upon, such as Medicaid health insurance and Social Security, continue to exist?
What about the already-strained adult disability system? Throughout the country, autistic adults often face long waits for services such as housing, day programs, job services, and personal supports. Alex attends a day program, but he needs help with employment.
“I am acutely concerned about the support programs that we rely on heavily to provide for my son and that they may be cut off, leaving him without the hope of employment or a place to live with dignity,” Ben says.
But, as he has always done, Ben will continue to plan and look for solutions that will help his son “live his best life.”
Interested in joining SPARK? Here’s what you should know.
Photo provided by Benjamin Murray.